The communication card bandit strikes again! And this time he (or she?) has committed identity theft in the process!

Take a look (names have been redacted to protect the guilty):

I have a few observations. First, I am not in my 20s . . . I look like I'm in my 20s . . . but I've grown a full beard to look closer to my age!
Second, the fake email address "[email protected]" is hilarious! Third, there's some grammatical problems with this card. Finally, the penmanship is amazing. It is the most beautiful pen-work I've ever seen. There is no comparison in the entirety of human history. Therefore, this "communication card bandit" must be a girl because everyone knows that only girls have decent handwriting! (And that's a statement . . . not a fact!)

We may need to start doing some lab tests on these cards to find the perpetrator!

The text reads:

Happy Valentines Day!

I'm a geek, and not too bright, so I'm electronically sending some of these Valentines Day cards to my wife today!

You can go here to see a few.

Or see the entire DC Comics gallery of valentines day cards here.

Which one would you send to your love (or would-be love) if you were a geek like me?

I'm a good enough theologian to know that Jesus does not have a cell phone . . . or at least he doesn't give his number out.

I know I don't have it.

I ran across this VBS curriculum in a magazine recently, and I really don't know what to make of it.

If you were a kid coming to this VBS in the summer, what would you think was going to happen during this week?

If I went to this VBS as a kid I would be thingking, "I'm going to be able to text a message to Jesus this week!"  But then, that thought would be followed up by, "But cell phones are expensive and only Zack Morris can afford to have one!" Followed by, "And what's a text?" (Because I grew up in the 90s  you see . . .)

So what's going to happen at this VBS? Is a staff member supposed to get a burner phone ("hey, Jesus has the same area code as me!"), hide in the back and pretend to answer the kiddo's questions via text?

I'm pretty confident that I could make a convincing texting Jesus . . . for a little while. But then, weeks after VBS is over and the kids are still texting, they would start getting texts back from "jesus" with answers like:

• idk?
• who cares?
• leave me alone, I'm sleeping
• that's a dumb question
• I have no clue what ur talking about

And this, of course, would lead to terrible theology and disappointed kids.

But, upon further examination of the VBS curriculum below, it is very clear that the week is focusing on texting about Jesus. That's not what a quick glance at the advertisement would lead a kid to believe, though. (Or a busy pastor).

So, take a peak at the curriculum below, and let me know what terrible things you'd wind up texting if you were pretending to be a "texting jesus".

Note: The Orchard Church will not be using this curriculum.

Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First?" routine is one of the wittiest and funniest comedy routines around.

Recently, Jimmy Fallon released a "Who's On First? The Sequel". Normally, I find these sorts of updates on old classics to be distasteful, boring and uninspired.

But this! This! This is wonderful. If you haven't seen the original sketch, watch it here first before scrolling down and watching the sequel.

 

Summary: Snarky and sometimes sarcastic, Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Memoir, follows the life of aspiring actress and creative-type Susan as she tries to live her dreams, find love, and figure out what in the world God wants her to do so he will give her a life worth living.


Review: For the life of me, I do not understand why there are so few Christian memoirs. I don’t mean biographies. I’m talking about the genre of memoir. The genre that doesn’t so much celebrate the grand achievements of a person, but rather focuses on the everyday moments of a life which we all can relate to. Angry Conversations is such a book.

Susan B. Isaacs does not shy away from bearing her soul, her mistakes, her hurts and pains. What’s unique in Angry Conversations, is the addition of witty and laugh out loud humor.

Isaacs also takes us into her marriage counseling sessions with God.

That’s right, in the story, Susan is so disgusted with God that she walks into a counselor’s office and asks for marriage counseling for her and God. What follows is a gradual shift of perspectives of who God is in Susan’s mind. It’s an amazing transformation worth the read.

I deeply appreciated the candor of this book. The journey. And the honesty that even threw out some off-color language (vulgar, not profane).

I highly recommend this book and I’m thrilled to see a well-written memoir from an open and honest Christian.

Rating: 5/5 (I loved it)

Find it here on Amazon.

I hate "gotcha" posts on Facebook. Everybody has them; liberals, conservatives, environmentalists, vegans, gun-owners, pro-lifers, pro-choicers and even Christians.

I don't like any of these posts from any of these sorts of people. But from Christians, I think it's absolutely wrong to post these sorts of things.

I know, right now my Christian friends are asking, "Why Pastor Nathan?" (Or those of you who don't have all that much respect for me might be asking, "Why Nate-dogg?") Certainly some of these "gotcha posts" contain truth!  Well, yes and no.

Let's look at some:

You see, one of the major problems with evangelical Christians today isn't in what we believe. We know all the right doctrines and our systematic theology is, more or less, grounded and sound. We have a good handle on God, Humanity, Sin, Death, Jesus, the Afterlife, Marriage, Divorce, Sexual Ethics and the like. Our orthodoxy is solid. But our orthopraxy is anemic, atrophied and spitting up blood.

What's orthopraxy? Well, orthodoxy is "right belief." Orthopraxy is "right actions." These two concepts need to work alongside of each other. We can believe all the right things, like that deceit is a sin, but be deceptive persons in the core of our character.

Knowing the right thing is not the same as doing the right thing.

This brings me back to the "gotcha" posts that everyone is so fond of. I see these things and I find myself asking, "Is this how Jesus dealt with sin and sinners?"

Was Jesus trying to "score points" and show everyone that he was right through pithy and insulting sayings?

Or was he trying to rescue individuals from the kingdom of darkness and into the Kingdom of God?

Read through the gospels. Who was Jesus harsh with? The tax collectors? The gluttons? The drunkards? The prostitutes? No. To these he showed compassion, genuine concern and invited them into the Kingdom of God by saying: "Repent and believe in the good news!" (Mark 1:15) 

But Jesus was harsh.

Who was he harsh with? He was harsh with the religious leaders. The believers in God. The ones who should know better. The ones who had all of the right orthodoxy but none of the right orthopraxy.

So the next time you're going to post one of those "gotcha" memes, or for that matter open your mouth, maybe . . . just maybe . . . as a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ you need to ask yourself, "Why am I posting this? Is it to score points? Is it to make me feel better about what I believe? Will it draw people to Jesus, or will it misrepresent Jesus' personality? How would someone who doesn't believe any of this stuff respond?

"Is this how Jesus spoke to sinners?"

Summary: When loser Dewey is offered $200 to watch over a group of eccentric elderly people at an assisted living facility he jumps at the chance because the funds will help him pursue his life-long dream of becoming a fishing champ in an upcoming tournament.




With a budget of only fifty-thousand dollars I was surprised at the quality of cinematography, editing and acting ability. Some of the special effects are noticeably bad, but again for a low-low budget film, this is forgivable.

The overall story works, as well as the character arc of Dewey from a self-centered loser towards a more selfless individual. What doesn’t work, though, is the humor and plot devices. Assisted Fishing is a slap-shtick sort of film. This is fine because the tone of the film suggests a family-friendly film, but the content does not facilitate itself to family viewing. There are plenty of scatological bits, which are okay for the kids, but much of the attempted humor takes the easy road and invokes sex. Equally troubling are the jokes made over elder abuse, potential rape and/or sexual abuse and use the name of Jesus as an exclamation.

I don’t understand what the filmmakers were thinking here. This film wants to be a fun, heart-warming family comedy, but the sexual and abuse humor make it inaccessible for family viewing, while the overall tone makes it unappealing for more mature audiences. The tone of the story and the jokes just don’t match up. The film doesn’t know what it wants to be.

I really wanted to like this film. The cinematography is wonderful for a film with this kind of budget. The acting is, with a few exceptions, pretty good. But in the end, the humor and story decision really didn’t make any sense.

Rating: 2/5 (I didn’t like it)

Assisted Fishing: www.assistedfishing.net
Find it here on Amazon.

A copy of the film was supplied for this review.

I am now destined for regular fraudulent and hilarious communication. We've recently had two such communications at The Orchard Church.

First, this one:

This name was written in our guestbook right after a recent service. I had met all the visitors that day, and I knew that I had never come across a Jim, or a Mr. Bissell. And, by goodness, I stood in my secretary's office, reading the name out loud saying, "This sounds like one of those Simpsons prank phone call names, like 'Amanda Hugenkiss' but I can't figure it out!" So I told the secretary to send out a welcome letter . . . just in case.

I should have been tipped off by the Munster's address, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Sigh. I hope we gave the post office a good laugh.

Have you figured it out?

Second, this one was in the offering last weekend:

The text reads:
I am forced to hide my identity to protect those I care about. I've even been forced to wear glasses so no one recognizes me. I don't even need glasses! I also, for some reason, have to wear a strange blue & red outfit when I am saving the world. Pray for Lois & I.
Thanks,
Superman (crossed out)
Clark

"I only torment those I love."

I have often said this over the course of my life while harassing my friends, family and co-workers. I recently re-watched Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and I was shocked to find out how often I quoted this film when tormenting my loved ones!

In fact, if I ever decided to become a villain . . . I'm pretty sure I'd be donning a fake plastic chest like Ricardo Montalban!

Here's some of the great lines (and situations) I've used in years past:

"You are in a position to demand nothing, I on the other hand am in a position to grant nothing . . ."
(In response to "Nathan, can I borrow your bike?")


"Ah my friend Kirk do you know the klingon proverb that tells us 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'? It is very cold in space."
(This was a favorite one when attacking friends with freezer snowballs in June!)


"I mean to avenge myself on you . . . ."
(This was my response when someone walked in on me before my schemes were completed and they asked "what are you doing?")


"Time is a luxury you don't have . . . ."
(My go-to response to any request to "give me a sec!")


"To the last I grapple with thee . . ."
(Usually something involving wrestling at the top a hill somewhere and me forcing my foe or foes off the side of the hill.)


"He tasks me! He tasks me!"
(Usually this one followed after my mom saying something to the effect of "Why do you keep bothering your brother?")


"I've done far worse than kill you, I've hurt you. And wish to go on hurting you, I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her, in a room for all eternity, at the center of a dead of a dead planet... buried alive, buried alive."
(This was, and is my favorite. I often abbreviate it to "I shall leave you as you left me . . .  buried alive . . .  buried alive." And this one can involve anything from collapsing the entrance to a snow fort, locking someone out of the house, or other random acts of mischief that really don't have anything to do with the situation!)

One of my favorite shows is the long-running, low-budget comedy Mystery Science Theater 3000.  In a nutshell, a couple of mad scientists marooned a guy in space and force him to watch bad movies with the hopes that this experiment will somehow enable them to take over the world. In the early days of the show the “mads” often present their latest “evil” inventions to their captives. One of these experiments in particular, “A Hard Pill to Swallow” always struck me as a little harsh for the tone of the show. Take a watch:

I, of course, thought it was hilarious. When I first saw this episode I was a teenager who was deathly ill and had to take a veritable mountian of pills three times a day. I learned how to swallow a bunch of pills in one gulp, and to date my record is 28 pills in one swallow!

So I understand the idiom “That’s a hard pill to swallow.” It speaks to the difficulty of some situations. But fear not, whenever you have a “hard pill to swallow” there’s another idiom that will strength your bones, cause you to man-up (or woman-up), suck it up, and soldier on through the situation! Christians often say “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

See?! So if you’re out of money, your spouse has gone missing, your kids have disowned you and your parents just jacked your car . . . just remember that little idiom, suck it up, and um . . . keep living.

Feel better?

I didn’t think so. That saying is wrong, anti-biblical, unhelpful, hurtful, harmful and accursed. It basically is communicating, “if you find yourself in a tough situation, God obviously knows you can handle it, so try your hardest to make it through and stop your whining.” Yeah. That sounds like something in the Bible.

In fact, I remember this one story where Moses was leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, but the Pharaoh decided to hunt him and his people down and slaughter them. As Pharaoh’s army forced the Israelites against the mighty Red Sea, God spoke to Moses and said, “I will never give you more than you can handle.” And so, filled with encouragement, Moses turned to the Israelite men, women, children and infants and shouted, “SWIM!”

What’s that? You don’t remember the story happening that way? Yeah, that’s because it didn’t. What really happened? God put the Israelites in an impossible situation! How did they respond? Well, first they freaked out: “as Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw the Egyptians coming after them. Then the Israelites were terrified” but then they, “cried out to the Lord for help” (Exodus 14:10 HCSB).

You see, the message of the Bible is not one of self-sufficiency (like the idiom “God will never give you more than you can handle” implies). Instead, the message of the Bible is one of God-dependancy!

The world is too big, and life is too complicated to go it alone. I think God doesn’t just give us “difficult pills to swallow,” he gives us impossible pills to swallow! (Like the Terry-gerbil pill!) I think God glories in giving us more than we can handle so that we will cry out to him like the Israelites in Egypt and say “help me God, I can’t do this on my own!”

Here’s what happened when the apostle Paul asked the Lord to remove the mysterious (and impossible) “thorn” in his flesh: But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 HCSB).

I think God always gives us more than we can handle so that we can rely on his strength, his power and see him do things far beyond our own abilities.