Nathan James Norman
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Nathan James Norman

Husband. Father. Pastor.
Storyteller. Reader. Comic Fan.
Slave of the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Orchard Church

Is Jesus Fighting Against Southern Baptist Leadership?

5/25/2022

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Is Jesus Fighting Against Southern Baptist Leadership?
 
I read through the Guidepost Solutions Independent Report on the handling of sex abuse allegations by the Executive Committee of the Southern Baptist Convention. I spent Sunday evening on it.

There was almost nothing in there surprising. Shocking, tragic, and despicable, but not surprising. I’ve been nauseous and angry over the last four days.
 
Then the question occurred to me: Is Jesus fighting against Southern Baptist leadership?
 
Let me back up a bit. I’ve served in two Southern Baptist churches since 2006. I’ve participated in state conventions, and local associations. I’ve been friends with trustees from almost every major SBC entity. I’ve had direct conversations and phone calls with a number of SBC elites during my ministry – when I feel convicted to challenge a decision or direction, I try to reach out directly.
 
I have always felt like an outsider trying to understand. I love how we have a system to collaborate in missions, disaster relief, and church planting. At the same time, though, the system of power is problematic. While SBC entity leadership says that we are a bottom-up convention (meaning the churches are the ones with the power), the reality is we are a top-down organization. Our bylaws certainly define us as a bottom-up convention of churches. But many leaders in SBC entities hold onto power by withholding information from the convention or the trustee teams. They hold onto power and control the narrative by putting friends into places of power – the good ol’ boy system. They hold onto power through the insidious SBC Eleventh Commandment, which is an informal rule that no matter how bad things get, Southern Baptists never speak against Southern Baptists. Actually, it’s not always an informal rule. I’ve seen a number of entities incorporate the rule into their employee and trustee code of conducts as grounds for dismissal.
 
(Which let’s be fair, petty vitriol over philosophy of ministry or minute points of theology should be avoided. But the eleventh commandment has silenced many from speaking up about abuses of power.)
 
This brings us to the Guidepost Solutions’ Report of the Independent Investigation . In this report we see credible and extensive documentation of the Executive Committee leadership bullying sex abuse survivors, withholding information from the trustees, burying information, and protecting powerful friends (my interpretation). We also saw reports of two past SBC presidents engaging in sexual abuse themselves. (One was characterized in the report as sexual assault. The other described as a mutual affair between a pastor and a woman he once pastored. This is still considered sexual abuse, and is illegal in thirteen states.)
 
Over the last few days, I’ve seen SBC leaders post their responses to the report. Generally, they’ve talked about being horrified, having compassion for the survivors, and wanting to work to make the SBC a safer convention.
 
Seeing these sentiments made me angry.
And I couldn’t figure out why for a day.
 
Hopefully, I’ve laid out this post well enough that you know why it made me angry. The system that enabled the Executive Committee to gaslight sex abuse survivors, protect abusive pastors, and withhold information from the trustees, is the same system that I’ve observed in other SBC entities.
 
I have no knowledge of other entities mishandling sex abuse cases.
But the same system of withholding information, good ol’ boy system of promoting, and eleventh commandment enforcement is pervasive throughout the entities of the convention. Not in equal measure, but we’re all aware of how the system works, and what we need to do if we want to climb the ladder to success.
 
While the leaders of the other entities may not have committed the evils the Executive Committee have – our overall system has led to this end. Many of our SBC leaders endorsed and supported these Executive Committee leaders outlined in the report. Instead of saying How terrible, we will work to do better, our leadership should be saying, How terrible, we allowed it to get this bad!
 
The Executive Committee and Baptist Press have apologized and repented. There’s more to do, but that’s a start.
 
There has been almost no repentance from the other SBC Leadership, and no repentance on the part of those named in the Guidestone report other than Steve Gaines.
 
For years I’ve heard from SBC leadership how we’re under spiritual attack. But maybe the attack hasn’t been from Satan. Maybe it has been from God himself.
 
Satan is involved, for sure. He has promised power and influence. He has encouraged silence and misdirection for the good of the organization. But I suspect that much of the warfare has been coming from the Lord.
 
In the book of Revelation, the glorious, risen Lord appears to John. He has a sword coming out of his mouth. He looks ready to make war. And in the next scene, we don’t see him fighting against his enemies in the world. In a shocking twist we see him battle against his own Church! In chapters 2 and 3, five out of the seven churches receive harsh warnings:

  • I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.
  • So repent! Otherwise, I will come to you quickly and fight against them with the sword of my mouth.
  • Unless they repent of her works, I will strike her children dead.
  • Remember, then, what you have received and heard; keep it, and repent. If you are not alert, I will come like a thief, and you have no idea at what hour I will come upon you.
  • As many as I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be zealous and repent.
 
Has the decline in SBC membership and baptisms been because of our convention’s hidden sins?
Has the risen Lord been fighting against us? Rebuking and disciplining us until we repent?
 
I think so.
 
And I think God has contended against our convention by first empowering the survivor community. Then, I think God has contended against our convention by using news organizations to uncover our shame. After this, I think God awoke the churches to the hidden sins in the convention, and despite the best efforts to block us and ignore us, we prevailed to have an investigation done.
 
Never have I seen so many people, fight so hard so we would have the opportunity to repent.
 
But it wasn’t just the Executive Committee that was broken. We are broken.
 
Look, to the best of my knowledge myself and the church I serve has never gaslit abuse survivors. We’ve tried to support and resource survivors. We’ve posted the sermon “What Will Happen if the Church Ignores Sexual Abuse?” on our homepage for over four years. But even still, in response to our reading of Daniel 9 – The Orchard Church repented.
 
And we will continue to do so.
 
Because from my perspective, Satan deceived many of our leaders into sin with the promise of a stronger convention, and many took it. And the Lord, because of his love for his Church, has been disciplining us.
 
Many have done evil in the name of God.
Do not misuse the name of the Lord your God, because the Lord will not leave anyone unpunished who misuses his name (Exodus 20:7).
 
The terrifying part in all this, is that the Lord will continue to discipline and continue to rebuke until there is repentance.
 
And then – only then can we begin to bear fruit.
Therefore produce fruit consistent with repentance (Matthew 3:8).
 
We cannot move forward as a convention until we repent as a convention.
 
I plead with our convention leaders, repent. Repent on behalf of the entities you lead.
And if you have personal culpability, repent now. God is going to reveal everything that is hidden. Yes, you may have to lose your position, but you will gain a right relationship with the One who created and upholds all things.
 
It’s only after we’ve done this that we can be empowered by Jesus to fix what is broken in our convention.
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A Prayer Against Violence

5/25/2022

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Broke. Frightened. Numb. Angry. Grieved. Heartbroken. 
The terrible violence in Buffalo, NY coupled with the horrible violence in Uvalde, TX has me feeling a vast array of emotions. 

I don't know the answer to this evil. I have some steps we should explore as a national community.
​But first, I am moved to pray:

Father, 
​God of peace. God of truth. God of life. 

Why? Why? Why? 

​Not again. Not again. Not again. 

A young man targets people based on their ethnos? Men and women created by you. Loved by you. Bearing your image! 

A young man targets children. Precious little ones. Like the one our Lord welcomed. Like the ones our Lord said the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to.  

Father, are you not mightier than these evil men? Could you not stop them? Prevent them? Send someone to intervene in their lives before this happens? 

Our hands shake with grief and they ball up in rage. 

This has to stop. 
Put an end to it Lord. 
Show us the way to put an end to it.

Spirit of God, comfort the families in Buffalo, Uvalde, and beyond. 
Give them your peace, 
not as the world gives it, 
not from their current circumstances, 
but that can only come from You. 
May they feel your loving arms wrapped around them. 
May they feel your presence in their
anger, 
weeping, and
bitter sorrow. 

Father God be with the survivors, 
the children, 
the men, 
the women, 
who witness these horrors. 
Heal the wounds on their bodies, and
send your servants to help heal the wounds in their souls. 

Help us in our distress God. 
Search our hearts and reveal any evil within. 

We repent. 

Help guide our political leadership to find unity and wise laws - 
for we know you will use the law to restrain evil. 

Help guide us to our neighbors in distress. 
May we become a community again. 
Mothers to the motherless. 
Fathers to the fatherless. 
Sons and daughters to the childless. 
Sisters and brothers to all. 

Heal our land, Father. 
Change me. 
Change us. 
Change our country. 

In the Name of Jesus. 
Amen.

Personal Steps
I do not have answers or solutions. 
This is not definitive. But a friend of mine pointed out that bad ideas often lead to good ideas. 
So, I offer some thoughts about things we can do:
  1. Cool down the angry rhetoric. America has been characterized by rage for the last decade. There is a time for righteous anger... but not every day. This angry rhetoric more often than not using dehumanizing vulgarity or terms for political opponents. When we dehumanize people or groups, they become more enraged and act in inhumane ways. This also makes a person vulnerable to radical ideologies. We must become people who disagree with grace. 
  2. Check in on young people. Get to know people in your community. Volunteer to help out with basketball or soccer. Volunteer at the high school. Evil breeds in darkness and it cannot survive in the light. Many of these young men need people who will come alongside and support them. If healthy people aren't speaking into their lives, the monsters of this world will. 
  3. Invite young people to volunteer. This might require us to join churches or community groups first. But getting young people involved in helping others, builds their self-worth and gives them purpose. We need to invite young people to invite their friends (and acquaintances, and that one kid no one knows very well) to do something greater than themselves. 
  4. Love the young people in your life. Most everyone has young people in their lives. Maybe your own children, nieces or nephews, cousins, co-worker's kids, or people in the neighborhood. Invest time and money in them. As appropriate, send text messages, send letters, make phone calls, offer them books, ask what you can be praying about in their lives. Make some regular intentional contact so they know someone cares. 

Possible Political Steps
These are some thoughts. Maybe some of these bad ideas can lead to good ones. 
Those of you who know me, know that I am a big proponent of political cooperation. 
I also believe that one of the reasons God has given us government is to restrain evil. It will always do so imperfectly, but minimizing evil is better than letting it go unfettered. 

Here are some very flawed thoughts:
  1. Security Guard or Police at the Entrance of Schools A friend of mine in banking told me that people who are up to no good don't want to be greeted at the door. Just having a greeter can minimize people with violent intent. I understand this would be an enormous cost. And there's possibly better measures. 
  2. Mandatory classes and psychological evaluations of gun owners from 18-25. Ok, hear me out gun-rights advocates. I think this might be something both the right and left can get behind. The vast majority of these mass shootings are being carried out by young men in this age bracket. Let's do something to try and minimize access to deadly weapons to people who should not have them. In many states if young people want to get a driver's license, they need to first take a series of classes before they're allowed to take a written test and driving test. Car insurance companies require a very high premium for drivers under the age of 25. Let's face it, at 18 most of us made some pretty bad choices. I don't know of any parent who would hand over control of their household finances to their 18-year-old kids. So, let's take a page out of the traffic laws and require adults who are most prone to volatile decisions (18-25), to complete mandatory training, and complete mandatory evaluations to minimize violent people getting their hands on deadly weapons. 
  3. Make Internet pornography an opt-in service. I think pornography is a blight on human society. A public health crisis. But I know we live in a free​ country. Fine. Let's not restrict it, but let's make access to the majority of pornographic websites something a person has to opt-in to with their internet service provider, and not something we have automatic access to. It is well documented that viewing pornography rewires the brain. Over time, a porn user's brain stops associating people as people, and it begins viewing people as objects. Objects! I know this proposal is a long shot. Porn makes a lot of corporations a lot of money. But if we wonder how a person can mass-murder people, even children, it's because they no longer see people as people. They see them as things. Not image-bearers, loved by God. Objects and obstacles to be removed. Porn does that to the brain. (And no, I'm not saying everyone who looks at porn is going to become a mass-murderer. I am saying that it removes a moral barrier that can lead to dehumanizing people.)

Those are some of my imperfect thoughts. 

What other personal steps do you think people could take? 
​What are some political moves we could realistically take to minimize this evil? 

I'm going to spend some more time in prayer for my community today. 
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How to Love Christian Leaders Who Abused Their Power

10/2/2019

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I am not sure how I stumbled across this message. It was likely on Twitter under the #ChurchToo hashtag. I am incredibly grateful for Diane Langberg, Ph.D., for her words of wisdom last year entitled Power, Deception, and the Church.

The entire message is worth listening to, but this quote (around the 31 minute mark) struck me as particularly timely for The Church in the Western World.

Here's some of what Dr. Langsberg said about loving Christian leaders who abuse their power:

"And yes, the abuser - like all of us - is invited to be part of the ungiven [the protective Christian community], but that only becomes possible (and hear me clearly) when the light is shining in the darkness, and the offender falls down before our crucified God knowing that it is against that wounded savior that he has sinned.  And that abuser, who gets to that place, will demand nothing from any human – no position, no place of power, no restoration, no forgiveness. He will acknowledge (she will acknowledge) the inability to live in truth, and know better than anybody else knows that they are not to be trusted and that the actions they committed are theirs and theirs alone.

This is how we love abusers: By letting them be stripped of the trappings that they have used to deceive themselves.”

It seems to me that God is in the process of purifying his Church here in America. Part of that process is bringing many forms of spiritual abuse to light.

I am largely posting this so I can find this for future use, but I hope you find it useful too.

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An Open Letter to Frank S. Page

3/28/2018

25 Comments

 
Dear Dr. Frank S. Page,
 
I am writing this letter for a number of reasons. First, it is to express my deep disappointment in your moral failing. Second, it is for the benefit of the church I serve, that they might follow Christ more closely. Finally, it is for the benefit of my friends and family who do not know Jesus.
 
I am a Millennial pastor serving in a small church in Northern Michigan. I was not raised in the SBC but having been serving in Southern Baptist churches for the last twelve years.
 
I can only assume from your follow-up statement to your first resignation that you mean adultery when you say “personal failing” and “personal indiscretion”. If this is the case, please clarify your sin. We live in a culture that uses language to minimize sin. Adultery is not an affair, a fling, or a personal indiscretion. When we minimize sin, we minimize our need for the Savior.
 
Because you have used terms that our entire culture will interpret as adultery, I am responding to your resignation with that assumption.
 
At the very least, I call on you to prorate any monies and benefits you received from the SBC (including travel, meals, conferences, etc.) from the time this relationship began. Please return these funds to the Cooperative Program. Both of the SBC churches I have served in have given faithfully and sacrificially to the CP. My current church is in desperate need of a larger sanctuary. We are growing in leaps and bounds. It is difficult for us to see our massive need to serve more people with the gospel, then look at our giving over the years and see that some of those funds have been used to enable you to lead us while committing grievous sin.
 
Please return the funds.
 
More importantly, if indeed you have committed adultery, your sin goes far beyond adultery. Because of your power, authority, and influence, it is sexual abuse. Perhaps it is not sexual abuse that is illegal but remember that the law is the absolute bottom of morality, not the top. Just because something is legal, does not mean it is moral or acceptable in God’s eyes.
 
King David sexually abused Bathsheba. He used his power to have sex with Bathsheba. When Nathan the Prophet confronted the king, Nathan said the rich man devoured the lamb. While we are not given insight into how David and Bathsheba’s sexual encounter played out in the bed chambers, God – speaking through the prophet – was very clear. What David did in taking the lamb and devouring it was abuse. In a very real way, David destroyed Bathsheba.
 
I found it ironic that on the same Sunday, a popular pastor in America described his sexual abuse of a teenager as a “sexual encounter” our small church was wrestling through 2 Samuel 13 – the rape of Tamar.
 
As we discussed this difficult topic, I communicated to the church that we would not sweep sexual abuse claims under the rug like so many organizations and churches have done. Instead we would immediately separate the accused, contact authorities, and communicate what was happening with the church congregation.
 
Part of my hope with this letter is to bring to light sin so that the congregation I serve does not have to fear that I, or other leaders in the church, will ignore or minimize sexual abuse.
 
While I pray for you and your family’s well-being and healing, I hope the public consequences of your sin are severe. So severe that generations of pastors understand that sin is not worth it. God told David, “You acted in secret, but I will do this before all Israel and in broad daylight” (2 Samuel 12:12). While there is forgiveness to be found in Christ – there are consequences in this life. It is the entire point of 2 Samuel 12. Forgiveness with consequences.
 
Other than answering and repenting of your sin, please do not enter again into public ministry. You can serve the Church in many wonderful ways, behind the scenes.
 
On a final and personal note, you know that pastoral ministry is hard. It is becoming increasingly hard. You have made it harder for all of the SBC churches you were supposed to be serving. Your sin terrifies me. Not because it is so foreign and unthinkable, but because it is very near to me. While I have never committed physical adultery or fornication, I know that I very well could do so. I know that sexual sin frequently comes knocking on the door of my heart.
 
So, I too need to repent. I repent in the hopes that I will rely on the strength of God the Holy Spirit and not myself. I repent, trusting that the sacrifice of Christ is not only enough to forgive me of my sins, but to keep me from falling.
 
And I repent in the hopes that God will somehow use this fallout for His glory, for your good, and that many sons and daughters will enter into the Kingdom of God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 
Because of Jesus,
Pastor Nathan J. Norman
 
njn (at) nathanjamesnorman.com
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Background on "Snow and Ash" and My Year In Hell

11/10/2014

12 Comments

 
This past year has been a living nightmare.

It was also an emotional hell. This is the backdrop of the "Snow and Ash" story appearing in The Crossover Alliance Anthology: Volume 1.

UPDATE: "Snow and Ash" has also been produced as an audio drama by Untold Podcast. Listen for free here.

***Spoilers beyond this point, grab a free copy before continuing***


Late last year my wife and I accepted the placement of a little foster child. We'll call her "Hummingbird" here.

She was placed in our care because we were considered a "pre-adoptive" family. When Hummingbird came into our home, we were told the adoption would be relatively short.

It wasn't. We just adopted our daughter this past week.

We loved Hummingbird from the moment she stepped foot into our home. She was about sixteen months old when we met her. Initially, the visits with her biological parents were difficult, but manageable. We were just getting to know our daughter, so her mood swings seemed normal.

But pretty soon, the agency moved her visits to a location which required a four hour commitment, twice a week. The visits were an hour and a half each, but my travel time became almost two and a half hours. I lost a full day worth of work every single week.

The trauma to my little girl was far worse though.

I would tell Hummingbird that we were going to a "visit" as we got into the car. She rebelled. She scream. She cried. Every single time.

Then I'd have to drive with her for a prolonged period of time for the "visit". I tried to make these experiences as easy as possible. I told her she would have fun, then I would pick her up and we'd go home again to see mommy, and Daisy & Duncan (our cats). The drop offs varied, but I often had to peel her off my leg to coax her to her biological parents.

Several times she managed to climb up my legs into my arms, and clung to my chest.

To her, I was her daddy. I was the man who was supposed to protect her from those who would harm her. I was supposed to shield her from pain and trauma.

But to the State of Michigan I was little more than an over-glorified babysitter.

I had no rights. I could not make decisions about who could see her and who could not. The State put me into a damnable position: Take her to these visits where she would be traumatized twice a week, or have her removed from the only mommy and daddy she's ever known.

Hummingbird was a self-confident, bold, joyful and happy little girl before these visits. When she was returned to me after an hour and a half, Hummingbird was scared, timid, clingy, sad and depressed. On the way home, I often pulled over into a parking lot so I could take her out of her car seat and let her hug me as she soaked my shoulder with tears and snot.

Twice a week.

Most people in my life cannot understand this horror. I hope they never do.

Over and over, family and friends would tell my wife and me, "God is on your side. This will all work out. She will be yours." But they did not sit in court hearing after court hearing. They did not see the court's obsession with reunification. They didn't talk to caseworker after caseworker about the possibility of Hummingbird going back to the biological parents' care. Or relative placement. They didn't live under the microscope of agency visit after visit in our own home. They've never been in a situation where they couldn't tell their traumatized daughter that they would never leave her. At any moment she could have been removed from our care.

And God... well God wasn't doing much for this little girl. I prayed over her every night. I pleaded with God in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ every day. I laid both of my hands on Hummingbird and blest her moments before each and every visit: "May Yahweh protect your heart, soul, mind, and strength. May He protect you where I cannot. May He fight for you where I am powerless. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

And people continued to say, "God wouldn't let her be put back into a situation like that. Don't worry."

But the reality is, God does allow people to go through horrible things. Even very frightened, very little girls.  

I trusted that God was all powerful. And believed that he was in control. I believed he had a plan. But his plan might have very well been that Hummingbird be shown the grace and gospel of Jesus Christ, and then be placed back with her biological family to begin a long process of redemption for them. And God's plan might very well have involved terrible abuse of our little girl so she could be a harbinger of salvation.

This was the backdrop of "Snow and Ash" in The Crossover Alliance Anthology: Volume 1.

I, like Erik, did not want to become a father. Not like this anyway. I found myself having to bear the majority of these burdens and it was terrible.

In the story Erik declared himself an enemy of Christ. During my own torment, there were moments where I was furious with God for not intervening. For not putting a stop to this all at once. It felt like Jesus had become my enemy. And in modern literature, I noted, there are not too many people who see themselves as enemies of Christ. Typically,  a person gets angry at God, then walks away and becomes a functioning atheist. But if I'm being very honest, there were moments where I felt if I lost Hummingbird, I would be angry at God for the rest of my life. And even though I knew he was stronger than me, I would be his enemy for the rest of my days. Hence, Erik opposed his people's conversion to Christianity.

Finally, the scene where Honey Bee is forcibly taken from Erik, was the scene that first appeared in my mind. It was how I felt twice a week. I could fight. I could pray. But in the end I was utterly powerless to help my daughter. When it came down to it, any number of thugs could take my daughter and there was nothing I could do.

And yet, in the story God was still in control. Even Honey Bee, though she was abused greatly, could see a higher purpose in the pain.

I wrote "Snow and Ash" at the Darcy Library of Beulah. It was downhill from the location of the visits for Hummingbird. I initially went to the local McDonalds to wait for the visits to be over, but I was harassed and stalked at that location, so I found this hidden away library.

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I love this library. In fact, it is the best small-sized library I've ever seen.

I hope I never go there again, though. It would be too traumatic for me.

After prying my daughter from my leg and handing her trembling body over for the "visit," I would go down to the library, pull out a composition notebook, and write.

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I also listened to the Beowulf Soundtrack composed by Alan Silvestri. It put me in the viking mood I needed to be in. But this too, is something I have no desire to revisit. I love this soundtrack, but it dredges up deep trauma for me.

One more thing. The author picture featured on the Crossover Alliance page for the book is a picture I took on June 3, 2014 at Douglas Park in Manistee, MI. I took this photo moments after parental visits were suspended. I knew my wife and I still had a long journey ahead of us. (And we did. It took six months of battling to adopt our daughter). But for Hummingbird, the trauma was over. As far as she would be aware, victory was accomplished on that day.

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So while that place is called "Douglas Park" to me it will always be called "Yahweh Yireh," The Lord Provides. He rescued my little girl on that day.


Amen.

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12 Comments

Hate Those Who Hate You

10/5/2013

6 Comments

 
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A letter has recently gone viral on the Internet. I saw it on Yahoo! News first. In essence, it is a letter from a Dad disowning  his daughter  for kicking out her homosexual son.

This letter is receiving praise in nearly all the articles I’ve read. This morning I also saw George Takei  (yes, I follow him on Facebook) had posted the letter and wrote “This grandfather is amazing.”

Here is the entire text of the letter:

Dear Christine,

I’m disappointed in you as a daughter. You’re correct that we have a “shame in the family”, but mistaken about what it is. Kicking Chad out of your home simply because he told you he was gay is the real “abomination” here. A parent disowning her child is what goes “against nature.” The only intelligent thing I heard you saying in all this was that “you didn’t raise your son to be gay." Of course you didn’t. He was born this way and didn’t choose it any more than he being left-handed. You however, have made a choice of being hurtful, narrow-minded and backward. So, while we are in the business of disowning our children, I think I’ll take this moment to say goodbye to you. I now have a fabulous (as the gays put it) grandson to raise, and I don’t have time for heart-less B-word of a daughter. If you find your heart, give us a call. – Dad.


I think the wide-spread praise of this letter reveals the culture’s current philosophy: “Hate those who hate.”

Now, what the mom did was wrong. If this letter is accurately portraying what happened, this mom hated her son… and that’s wrong.

But then the grandfather turns around and pours hate on his daughter for her hate. He criticizes his daughter for disowning her son, then turns around and disowns her . This is also wrong.

The current philosophy of our culture is “hate those who hate.”

But Jesus said “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:43-44 HCSB).  

This letter breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that a mother would disown her son. It breaks my heart that a grandfather would return hate with hate. It breaks my heart that so many people praise returning hate with hate.

We all need to be transformed by the gospel of Jesus Christ . . . so that we can return hate with love. Love for this mom. Love for her son. Love for this grandfather. And love for a people who celebrate the things that should break their hearts.
6 Comments

Infertility: The Miscarriage

7/15/2013

30 Comments

 
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The worst day in my life was October 20, 2009.

I have experienced much pain in my days on earth. Illness, disease, deep depression, persecution, hatred, scorn and torment. But no pain that had come before or since can compare with October 20, 2009.

Several weeks prior, I met Kristin for lunch at the Red Robins in Valencia. After we ordered (I had a teriyaki burger with pineapple) my wife handed me a tube wrapped in Christmas paper.

I smiled.

I knew what it was. “This is a pregnancy test isn’t it?” To this day she still has a hard time surprising me.

We’d been trying to get pregnant for only a short while, and in that moment, as I pulled out the digital test and read the word “pregnant” I was a father.

I was also a health-code violator because I was waving around a tainted instrument in the middle of an eating establishment . . . but no one seemed to care.

The next few weeks were a flurry of events. Doctor’s appointments, early pregnancy classes, decisions about moving to a new home, vitamins, boys names (I liked Hrothgar), girl’s names, excitement, energy, and exuberance!

Then Tuesday came. It was a bright and sunny California day. I spent the morning in our one bedroom apartment studying Hebrew concepts I’d need for my class later in the day. As I tried to focus on the very peculiar text, Kristin called my name from the bathroom. Her voice shook. She didn’t scream but I heard fear in her voice.

I turned the corner down the hallway and what I saw looked like a murder scene.

Blood was everywhere.

Because we had Kaiser Permanente (a sort of uber-HMO), we had to drive outside of the Santa Clarita Valley over to Studio City. Spotting was normal in early pregnancies wasn’t it? I remembered that much from my anatomy and physiology classes. We sped as best as we could, and I cannot recall anything that may have been said in that thirty minute car ride, but I know I prayed and I thought over and over and over, It’s going to be okay . . . It’s going to be okay.

We arrived at the hospital. It’s going to be okay. We waited. It’s going to be okay. And waited. It’s going to be okay. The doctor who saw us told us she needed to perform a rather invasive ultrasound. I watched the screen and held Kristin’s hand. It’s going to be okay.

The screen was dark.

The doctor left the room, then came back in. She said, “I’m very sorry but you are not pregnant.”

She never once said miscarriage. Some of what she said lacked good bedside manner, some it made us angry . . . but then she said, “God is with you in this and I know that this won’t comfort you now, but at least you know that you can get pregnant.”

We drove home.

In my shock I realized that I had just enough time to go to Hebrew class, so I said goodbye to Kristin and got in my car to drive down to Talbot. I started the car, and the serpentine belt fell off.

I stayed home with my wife.

We were depressed. We knew that we were depressed. And we weren’t willing to “put a good face on" in the midst of our grief. But life had to go on. So, I told the staff at the church where I served as a youth pastor about what had happened. I also told the adult volunteers. I spoke with a number of the professors at Talbot, friends and most certainly our family members.

One person proceeded to tell us about the miscarriage in their family which eventually pulled everyone apart.

Another, told us that their miscarriage was the best thing that had happened to them, because they didn’t really want another kid.

Still others told us that maybe it was God telling us that we weren’t ready to be parents.

One of my mentors in seminary, after hearing the entire ordeal said, “That’s the problem with all these early pregnancy tests. Before we had them, a women would just think that she was just having a heavy period.”

And of course, everyone quoted Romans 8:28 – “all things work together for the good of those who love God . . .”

I’ve never wanted to punch people so much in my life. And these comments are just representative of the typical responses people gave to us as we grieved the loss of our unborn child.

Three people in particular consoled me, though. I know Kristin had some good people comfort her too, and there were others who comforted us, but these three in particular comforted me.

1. My pastor at the time, Mike Cobb, listened to what had happened, then got up from behind his desk and threw his arms around me and said, “I’m sorry. I know this hurts.” Tears were in his eyes.

2. My Hebrew professor, Dr. Rigsby said, “I’ve never had to go through the pain of a miscarriage, but my daughter-in-law has,” tears started streaming from his face, “And I don’t know why this happened, Nathan, but just like David said when his child died he cannot come to me, but I can go to him.” Then we were both crying. “Your child cannot come to you, Nathan, but you will one day see this child again.”

3. My pastor’s wife, Terri came into my office a few days later and we talked a little and I actually said, “We weren’t all that far along.” But she corrected me and said. “It doesn’t matter. As soon as you see the word pregnant you are a parent.” And we both cried.

Pastoral Insight

Because I’m a pastor, I need to comment on how people consoled us in our grief. When someone near you is grieving anything, whether a miscarriage, a death, a divorce or other tragedy:

  • Don’t tell a story about something similar that happened to you. (This puts the focus on yourself, rather than consoling those who are hurting. If you've gone through a similar pain, you can acknowledge it, the feelings you felt in your grief, but avoid making the conversation about yourself).
  • Don’t tell a story about yourself or others who went through a similar situation but turned out okay in the end. (I know you’re trying to give hope here, but to a hurting person this sounds like “suck it up and stop being sad, it’s going to work out you big baby.”)
  • Don’t make promises on God’s behalf that God hasn't made. (God promises to comfort through the pain, he has not promised perfect marriages, obedient children, or fertile families. Telling an infertile couple that they’re going to get pregnant is reckless . . . you don’t know.)
  • Don’t quote Romans 8:28! (Romans 8:28 is a verse about trusting God. In the midst of tragedy, many of us are trusting God, while simultaneously experiencing pain! Trusting God does not mean we don’t experience pain in our grief. When you quote this verse to a grieving person you harm them twice. First, you fail to acknowledge the legitimacy of their pain. And second, you accuse them of not trusting God.)

Instead of doing these sort of (typical) things, you should:

  • Acknowledge their pain and grief. (i.e. “This hurts. This is horrible. I’m sorry.”)
  • Sit with them, spend time with them, ask questions, talk about the tragedy or be silent.
  • Read a Psalm or passage about comfort. (Psalm 13, 22, 23 are good starting places! The grieving process is not the time to try and perfect a person’s theology.)

It’s about four years later. October 20th didn’t turn out okay. We haven’t become pregnant. We’ve had no real foster placements to speak of. It feels like our life is on hold.

But still . . .

Still we trust in the hesed, the loving-kindness, the faithful love of Yahweh – The One Who Causes Things To Be The Way They Are.

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Little Kid Persecution

6/26/2013

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I'm at VBS (Vacation Bible School) right this very moment.

I just finished "being" the Apostle Paul for the third night. And for the most part it's been a blast.

But not tonight.

Tonight, one of the questions Paul asked the kids (as we hid in a room from an "angry mob") was: Have you ever been in a situation when believing in Jesus or talking about Jesus caused you a problem?

And every single group, with the exemption of the fours and under, had a story to tell.

The twelve, ten, seven, six and five year olds all went on and on about how they were excluded, made fun of, ridiculed and shamed by their friends, family members, coaches and teachers for believing in Jesus.

There was no prodding here. There wasn't the usual two minutes of silence waiting for the kids to answer. There was no "parroted tales." Their stories jumped to life immediately. They varied greatly.

And in the darkness of the room, lit only by little electronic tea lights, I found myself wiping tears from my eyes . . . .
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A Prayer for Boston

4/15/2013

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It seems to me that during tragedies Psalm 7 is a good text to pray through.

During these times of national and personal calamities we experience a plethora of emotions. We feel scared for our safety. We feel anger toward those who committed the evil. We feel vulnerable. We want justice. We want answers. We ask: “Why?”

Today, like so many other days, none of us have answers to satisfy our aching hearts. But we can pray. Please pray with me today this prayer adapted from Psalm 7. I think this psalm covers a wide range of our emotions today.

Pray:

Lord, God we seek protection from you,
keep us safe from violent people.
Rescue us. Rescue Boston. Rescue our country.

Lord, this was evil and we’re scared.
But we’re also angry that this happened.

We know that evil acts also anger you
because you love justice.
Please let justice come swiftly,
and peace return to the injured,
the families of the dead,
the city of Boston,
and our country.

Be our shield and protection.
Everything you do is right.
Search me, search us
and transform us into upright people in Jesus Christ.

We turn away from our selfishness,
and turn our hearts, minds and souls to you.

Bring your justice quick.
Let those who seek to do evil,
be undone by their own schemes.

Thank you Lord.
Fill us with the hope that even though it doesn’t seem like it
in Jesus,
every wrong will be made right.
Amen.  



Psalm 7

A Shiggaion of David, which he sang to the Lord concerning the words of Cush, a Benjaminite.

Yahweh my God, I seek refuge in You;
save me from all my pursuers
and rescue me
or they will tear me like a lion,
ripping me apart with no one to rescue me.

Yahweh my God, if I have done this,
if there is injustice on my hands,
if I have done harm to one at peace
with me
or have plundered my adversary
without cause,
may an enemy pursue
and overtake me;
may he trample me to the ground
and leave my honor in the dust.  Selah

Rise up, Lord, in Your anger;
lift Yourself up against the fury
of my adversaries;
awake for me;
You have ordained a judgment.
Let the assembly of peoples gather around You;
take Your seat on high over it.

The Lord judges the peoples;
vindicate me, Lord,
according to my righteousness
and my integrity.

Let the evil of the wicked come
to an end,
but establish the righteous.
The One who examines the thoughts
and emotions is a righteous God.
My shield is with God,
who saves the upright in heart.
God is a righteous judge
and a God who shows His wrath
every day.

If anyone does not repent,
God will sharpen His sword;
He has strung His bow
and made it ready.
He has prepared His deadly weapons;
He tips His arrows with fire.

See, the wicked one is pregnant with evil,
conceives trouble, and gives birth
to deceit.
He dug a pit and hollowed it out
but fell into the hole he had made.
His trouble comes back
on his own head,
and his violence falls on the top
of his head.

I will thank the Lord for His righteousness;
I will sing about the name of Yahweh
the Most High.

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Doctor Who & the Deep Tragedy 

4/7/2013

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My wife and I share a love for the British TV show, Doctor Who. Actually my wife turned me onto the show, if you can believe it.

Recently, we’ve been going through some of the key episodes from the years of the ninth and the tenth Doctor. As the tenth Doctor’s time on the show nears an end I just re-watched one of the most tragic and personally terrifying stories I’ve ever experienced.

Spoilers (as River Song would say) are ahead.

One of the Doctor’s travelling companions, Donna, began her journeys with the Time Lord as a strong-willed, outspoken, self-important and somewhat mean-spirited woman. As she travelled with the Doctor, she became a better woman. She became compassionate and caring to others. She could selflessly put herself in harm’s way for the good of others. Donna became more intelligent as well. She hadn’t been stupid before, but she just refused to apply herself. She was lazy, and under the doctor she became wise. She was still, of course, strong-willed and outspoken . . . but these attributes became a force of good instead of selfishness.

She saved a peoples from perpetual slavery. She saved worlds. She saved the universe.

And then, in order to save her life, the Doctor had to wipe her memory of every second of her time with him. She went back to being a self-absorbed and mean-spirited woman.

To see all of Donna’s growth wiped out like that was among the most tragic, sorrow-filled events I’ve seen in a story. And it speaks strongly to the Christian life because we’ve all seen this sort of thing happen in real life.

We’ve seen self-centered men and women egoists transformed into selfless, wise, and compassionate persons as they travelled with the Great Doctor, Jesus. These men and women became wise, they led others away from slavery to sin and to freedom in Jesus. They loved others, changed lives and brought beauty into the world around them.

And then it all fell apart. They made a decision. They stole. They lied. They hurt people.

They acted just like they had before they had met the Great Doctor. And it was tragic.

This scene terrifies me, though, because as much as I would never want to back-slide and return to a life apart from my Lord . . . I cannot pretend that I am so good that I will never go back to a life characterized by sin.

Donna’s story is tragic and horrifying.

For me, as a Christ-follower, I hold onto the words of the Apostle Paul to young Timothy. He instructed him to always be "having faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and have suffered the shipwreck of their faith" (1 Timothy 1:19 HCSB). In other words, always be trusting in Christ and making God-honoring decisions . . . lest you destroy your own life and those around you.

Tragic, terrifying and horrible. Praise God for his forgiveness, empowerment and grace.


Watch the tragic scene here:

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