Nathan James Norman
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Nathan James Norman

Husband. Father. Pastor.
Storyteller. Reader. Comic Fan.
Slave of the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Orchard Church

Infertility: The Miscarriage

7/15/2013

30 Comments

 
Picture
The worst day in my life was October 20, 2009.

I have experienced much pain in my days on earth. Illness, disease, deep depression, persecution, hatred, scorn and torment. But no pain that had come before or since can compare with October 20, 2009.

Several weeks prior, I met Kristin for lunch at the Red Robins in Valencia. After we ordered (I had a teriyaki burger with pineapple) my wife handed me a tube wrapped in Christmas paper.

I smiled.

I knew what it was. “This is a pregnancy test isn’t it?” To this day she still has a hard time surprising me.

We’d been trying to get pregnant for only a short while, and in that moment, as I pulled out the digital test and read the word “pregnant” I was a father.

I was also a health-code violator because I was waving around a tainted instrument in the middle of an eating establishment . . . but no one seemed to care.

The next few weeks were a flurry of events. Doctor’s appointments, early pregnancy classes, decisions about moving to a new home, vitamins, boys names (I liked Hrothgar), girl’s names, excitement, energy, and exuberance!

Then Tuesday came. It was a bright and sunny California day. I spent the morning in our one bedroom apartment studying Hebrew concepts I’d need for my class later in the day. As I tried to focus on the very peculiar text, Kristin called my name from the bathroom. Her voice shook. She didn’t scream but I heard fear in her voice.

I turned the corner down the hallway and what I saw looked like a murder scene.

Blood was everywhere.

Because we had Kaiser Permanente (a sort of uber-HMO), we had to drive outside of the Santa Clarita Valley over to Studio City. Spotting was normal in early pregnancies wasn’t it? I remembered that much from my anatomy and physiology classes. We sped as best as we could, and I cannot recall anything that may have been said in that thirty minute car ride, but I know I prayed and I thought over and over and over, It’s going to be okay . . . It’s going to be okay.

We arrived at the hospital. It’s going to be okay. We waited. It’s going to be okay. And waited. It’s going to be okay. The doctor who saw us told us she needed to perform a rather invasive ultrasound. I watched the screen and held Kristin’s hand. It’s going to be okay.

The screen was dark.

The doctor left the room, then came back in. She said, “I’m very sorry but you are not pregnant.”

She never once said miscarriage. Some of what she said lacked good bedside manner, some it made us angry . . . but then she said, “God is with you in this and I know that this won’t comfort you now, but at least you know that you can get pregnant.”

We drove home.

In my shock I realized that I had just enough time to go to Hebrew class, so I said goodbye to Kristin and got in my car to drive down to Talbot. I started the car, and the serpentine belt fell off.

I stayed home with my wife.

We were depressed. We knew that we were depressed. And we weren’t willing to “put a good face on" in the midst of our grief. But life had to go on. So, I told the staff at the church where I served as a youth pastor about what had happened. I also told the adult volunteers. I spoke with a number of the professors at Talbot, friends and most certainly our family members.

One person proceeded to tell us about the miscarriage in their family which eventually pulled everyone apart.

Another, told us that their miscarriage was the best thing that had happened to them, because they didn’t really want another kid.

Still others told us that maybe it was God telling us that we weren’t ready to be parents.

One of my mentors in seminary, after hearing the entire ordeal said, “That’s the problem with all these early pregnancy tests. Before we had them, a women would just think that she was just having a heavy period.”

And of course, everyone quoted Romans 8:28 – “all things work together for the good of those who love God . . .”

I’ve never wanted to punch people so much in my life. And these comments are just representative of the typical responses people gave to us as we grieved the loss of our unborn child.

Three people in particular consoled me, though. I know Kristin had some good people comfort her too, and there were others who comforted us, but these three in particular comforted me.

1. My pastor at the time, Mike Cobb, listened to what had happened, then got up from behind his desk and threw his arms around me and said, “I’m sorry. I know this hurts.” Tears were in his eyes.

2. My Hebrew professor, Dr. Rigsby said, “I’ve never had to go through the pain of a miscarriage, but my daughter-in-law has,” tears started streaming from his face, “And I don’t know why this happened, Nathan, but just like David said when his child died he cannot come to me, but I can go to him.” Then we were both crying. “Your child cannot come to you, Nathan, but you will one day see this child again.”

3. My pastor’s wife, Terri came into my office a few days later and we talked a little and I actually said, “We weren’t all that far along.” But she corrected me and said. “It doesn’t matter. As soon as you see the word pregnant you are a parent.” And we both cried.

Pastoral Insight

Because I’m a pastor, I need to comment on how people consoled us in our grief. When someone near you is grieving anything, whether a miscarriage, a death, a divorce or other tragedy:

  • Don’t tell a story about something similar that happened to you. (This puts the focus on yourself, rather than consoling those who are hurting. If you've gone through a similar pain, you can acknowledge it, the feelings you felt in your grief, but avoid making the conversation about yourself).
  • Don’t tell a story about yourself or others who went through a similar situation but turned out okay in the end. (I know you’re trying to give hope here, but to a hurting person this sounds like “suck it up and stop being sad, it’s going to work out you big baby.”)
  • Don’t make promises on God’s behalf that God hasn't made. (God promises to comfort through the pain, he has not promised perfect marriages, obedient children, or fertile families. Telling an infertile couple that they’re going to get pregnant is reckless . . . you don’t know.)
  • Don’t quote Romans 8:28! (Romans 8:28 is a verse about trusting God. In the midst of tragedy, many of us are trusting God, while simultaneously experiencing pain! Trusting God does not mean we don’t experience pain in our grief. When you quote this verse to a grieving person you harm them twice. First, you fail to acknowledge the legitimacy of their pain. And second, you accuse them of not trusting God.)

Instead of doing these sort of (typical) things, you should:

  • Acknowledge their pain and grief. (i.e. “This hurts. This is horrible. I’m sorry.”)
  • Sit with them, spend time with them, ask questions, talk about the tragedy or be silent.
  • Read a Psalm or passage about comfort. (Psalm 13, 22, 23 are good starting places! The grieving process is not the time to try and perfect a person’s theology.)

It’s about four years later. October 20th didn’t turn out okay. We haven’t become pregnant. We’ve had no real foster placements to speak of. It feels like our life is on hold.

But still . . .

Still we trust in the hesed, the loving-kindness, the faithful love of Yahweh – The One Who Causes Things To Be The Way They Are.

30 Comments
Michelle DiSanto
7/15/2013 12:37:31 am

God Bless you with your amazing strength. We love you all. HUGS from a distance.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:29:52 pm

Thank you Michelle! I love you too!

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Mellody Halvorsen
7/15/2013 02:12:36 am

God bless you both. Reading this may help others and I am sure writing help you in some way. You both are a blessing to so many.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:32:23 pm

Thank you Mell. We have a number of reasons for sharing this pain, my hope and prayer is that in a small way it can help transform us all! You are a huge blessing! Thank you.

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Lisa Howell
7/15/2013 06:36:02 am

This is very good instruction to all of us, when our friends hurt - thank you. It is a part of life and yes, it's lousy. Love your heart and we still pray for you and Kristin over here! It's so exciting to see how God is blessing your ministry. Thank you for sharing what you've been through.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:33:27 pm

Thank you Lisa. You are certainly one of those wonderful listeners and prayer warriors who walk through the trials with others.

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Elizabeth Brackett
7/15/2013 06:53:39 am

One of the best things that I have ever heard is, "I love you," in painful times. You are both truly loved!

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:34:07 pm

Thank you Beth! We miss you and GB!

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Calville Dunnon link
7/15/2013 09:27:48 am

Why have I read this story, the father of three men with grandchildren, I really dont know, maybe because I am a compassionate person and want to hear how folks over come their challenges. So my first comment is would be, I was very disappointed after reading the story thru without a positive ending. Maybe this story should have been on hold till full term pregnancy. I am being honest since you were so honest as to tell folks what not to say to a person who had your experience. I also had the same experiences as you did and it took 71/2 years before the Lord allowed my wife to bring a child to full term. I have a friend who took 11 years, now has a daughter who is a doctor and a cpa. People need to share their own experiences so you have something to measure how God works in believers' lives. As I read your story about leaving wife for class, I was actually shocked, til I read the part that said the car broke down. Life experience is wisdom. God requires different things from each of us, this is why so many scriptures say, the just shall live by faith. Thanks for sharing, God is able. Cal Dunnon

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:47:35 pm

Hi Cal. I didn't hold off sharing this story because there are so many couples going through the exact sort of silent pain that we are. Also, I have no guarantees that we ever will be able to have children. (Nor is there a biblical promise that applies to us in this case).

In moments like this, I like to look at passages like Psalm 13. Whatever the conflict was that David was experiencing, it doesn't get resolved in the text . . . but David expresses his trust in God's loving kindness. It's actually how I ended the blog.

I am still hopeful that God will bless us at just the right time. But, like David, no matter what, I choose to trust in God's faithful love.
Thanks for writing!

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sarah
7/16/2013 01:50:01 pm

I for one am happy you shared this. It gives insight to how we can hold you and Kristin up in prayer on your journey. Not every story has a happy ending but to be able to share openly in the good and bad brings believers together on that journey. One shouldn't have to go through life alone bc things aren't "great" My first reaction, even a long time ago, was to tell you about a friend with a similar journey, but I was hesitant. Maybe that was God holding my tongue because it was not what you needed. I appreciate your honesty and will continue to pray for your journey into parenthood. I know you will be a blessing to the child that comes into your lives!

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Nathan J. Norman
7/16/2013 03:47:42 pm

Thank you for the encouragement Sarah, and for listening to the Holy Spirit. I think we often want to try and relate a person's pain to something we're familiar with, as well as give hope ... but the pain and grief can't be passed by and overlooked (which happens far too often).

I think it is appropriate to tell a story and relate to the pain a person is feeling in their sorrow (ex. "I lost my mom last year and it hurts and is devastating, I know that your pain must be great and words can't describe your loss"), but often stories either implicitly offer promises they can't keep, or minimize/marginalize a person's grief.

Thank you for your wonderfully kind words. They are the breath of life.

karin graham
7/15/2013 11:32:35 am

Thank you for sharing Nathan! Its so hard to know what to say when people you love are in pain. Sending big hugs to you both and wishing with all my heart that things were different.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:36:10 pm

Karen, thank you for pointing this out. I probably should have mentioned it . . . but I think many of the hurtful things aren't said with malice . . . just being unaware of how to best console. Thank you for the hugs!

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Steve Balcom
7/15/2013 02:23:20 pm

You have been such a blessing to all of us! So sorry for the pain this has caused you. You are both in our prayers!

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:37:32 pm

We're the blest ones Steve for serving such wonderful people like you!

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Tom Hughes
7/15/2013 04:19:10 pm

Thank you for sharing your heart. It tenderizes mine.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/16/2013 01:38:20 pm

It's good mentors and friends like you who have helped us to be able to share our hearts like this. Thank you!

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Julie Greene
7/16/2013 01:49:54 pm

Thanks for sharing, Nathan. My husband and I also shared the pain of infertility in our journey to have a family. To be honest, my response when I talk to others experiencing this pain is, "I am so sorry. The truth is, this just sucks." May not sound especially spiritual, but it is genuine. You and your bride have my prayers tonight :)

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/17/2013 03:04:57 am

I think your response is particularly spiritual! It acknowledges the reality of the situation and the pain! Thank you for your prayers.

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Tricia Fauske
7/16/2013 02:43:24 pm

I am so sorry. We had no idea, will be keeping you in our prayers.
We love you guys, we have been there too and do understand. Miss you and hope to see you both soon!

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/17/2013 03:05:53 am

Thank you Tricia. We appreciate you and the whole family. Hopefully we'll be back to visit soon.

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Jamie Pohlot
7/16/2013 02:53:03 pm

Thanks for sharing in such a raw and honest way, even though the ending wasn't as we would all hope. I'm so sorry you had to endure such a painful experience but I am glad you did have some support from people (two of which I know and love) who were able to give you what you needed. Praying for you two.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/17/2013 03:07:06 am

Thank you for your prayers Jamie. Life is certainly a mixed bag, but there is joy even in the midst! Blessings on you and your family!

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Jess Hanna
7/16/2013 04:01:13 pm

Thank you for sharing your story, Nathan. There are many who would not be so brave, especially since a lot of people don't want to hear it.

At the risk of talking about myself and drawing your criticism, I thought I would just let you know that you are not alone. My wife and I never planned not to have children. It just hasn't happened. And we're not planning to force the issue. The funny thing is, we never grieved like others we have known. God has given us such incredible peace about it, and I pray he does the same for you and Kristin.

BTW, it's good to see that you don't let it stop you from living your life the way God intended. He sees us through the bad times and celebrates with us in the good. I know I'm starting to ramble at this point, but you struck a chord, man. :)

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/17/2013 03:10:21 am

Hi Jess, Thank you for sharing. (No criticism here . . . we're not actively grieving . . . the blog is exactly for this kind of dialogue).

I am a firm believer that God works very powerfully through pain and hardships. It sounds like he's really been working through your family and that he's given you an amazing amount of peace and trust in him!

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Chivalrybean link
7/17/2013 04:13:46 pm

One of my previous pastors, who lost his whole family all at once, said many times the best thing to say someone who has lost someone is absolutely nothing.

According to this that seems like a good idea.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/18/2013 02:53:36 am

CB, There is some deep, deep wisdom here. Sometimes we just need to "sit with" those who are hurting. Great thoughts. Thank you!

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NMbeliever
7/21/2013 02:37:15 am

Thank you. We live in a culture where things are packaged, neat, and there is supposed to be a happy ending. God does not say we will be happy, but have have joy, deep joy in His words, His love, His wisdom and His presence. Sometimes that deep joy is brought about by deep pain. Thanks for being real. And letting God.

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Nathan J. Norman link
7/24/2013 03:26:55 pm

Yes, exactly! Thank you!

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